Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Reasons he’s not calling you

I pity the telemarketers scheduled to work on Wednesday nights. That is the night where all dating-aged women across the nation are waiting for the phone call. And not the one to switch their long distance service. Apparently there is something known as the 4-day rule that is programmed into the male DNA. It has to be, because when have they ever followed any other rule willingly?

When a boy turns 18 and goes to register for the Selective Service, he is advised of the 4-day rule as part of the process. Under penalty of being shunned by all deerkillin', heartbreakin', fartmakin' men (Yo! Amber!) a guy may not call a girl for 4 days after he gets her number. Why? We took a small poll, and according to our (two) sources, 3 days makes you look desperate and 5 days makes you look too uninterested. Huh? So Saturday digit exchange=Wednesday phone call.

Let me just clue ya’ll in, we females do not hate it when our crush can’t get enough of us. And if you’re texting and calling us one hour after you secure our phone number (Tips for the clueless: Just calling to make sure you got home ok. Or: I’m just wishing I hadn’t left town and was still with you.) and continue this communication for three weeks straight, we absolutely do not think you look desperate. As long as we’re reciprocating. (No stalking freaks, please!) And, by the way, four days of silence gives a girl’s mind a lot of time to wander. And four days of girlfriends’ input on a topic like this can never be good for a guy.

Reasons he’s not calling:

  • Dropped his phone in the river fly fishing and simultaneously forgot how to use e-mail to ask you for your number to reprogram into his new phone

  • He’s working (aka: getting paid to play solitaire all day) and is totally exhausted

  • He can’t let you see him without his baseball cap until he’s gotten hair plugs installed

  • He’s looking for the perfect orchid to match your porcelain (Kranberry: like a toilet) skin

  • He’s given up airheads and has therefore worn through three composition books planning the perfect date to dazzle you

  • He’s honestly lost your number and is wandering through the village like the prince with the glass slipper listening for your heavenly laughter (Amber: more like donkey braying!)

  • After correctly deducing Amber’s predelicktions, he’s suffering from a number of complications from BCS wax:

All night BCS “spa” wasn’t so sanitary (SHOCKING!) and he developed cellulitis and is now sitting in Dr.’s office every day for three weeks getting antibiotic shots in the butt.

He's in the hospital after breaking his leg while fainting from the pain

He's still carefully picking all the wax from his netherregions after he chickend out

He made the mistake of sitting down in the shower before yanking the wax off and has been stuck there for 4 days (Blush: the irony of the 4 Day Rule is that it will always bounce back to cause you trouble) because he either can't reach his phone without castrating himself or is too embarrassed to call someone. Because who would he call? His friends, who no matter how close they are, they ain't gonna help him with THAT. Nor does he want to call strangers (911) to help him with THAT.

  • He is composing the perfect sonnet, but can't find anything to rhyme with "nantucket"

  • Special section for our favorite roofers and other laborers (temporary or otherwise):
    Maybe there was a nail gun accident
    Maybe the contractors locked him in the portopotty
    Maybe he really does think slower than concrete dries
    Maybe the portopotty fell over while he was in there with a groupie who "just stopped by to see when they would be opening and oops my skirt blew up, etc" and he's now in a neck and back brace

  • He's waiting to ask Amber out in person so he can see the hairball trick again

  • He's chicken coz we’re so obviously way out of his league

  • He can’t afford to shell out $75 that Blush and Kranberry make whenever they karaoke

  • He's had a batman phobia since childhood.

  • During one of the many full-body hugs, he figured out that (one of the posse members) bought her boobs at Victoria’s Secret and they are removable.

  • His friends told him we sing like braying donkeys

  • Coz he's a MAN. He doesn't plan ahead. Ride with the Wind! Bee freeeeeeeee! Nothing can tie me down! He has no idea what he's supposed to be doing right now (unless some woman tells him). How's he gonna know what he's doing tomorrow or next weekend? Huh? Don't be such a nag!

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