Breaking Up

Dear Assholes,

Please allow me to inform you that I have documented proof that you can break up with a girl, leave her thinking you are still the greatest thing that ever walked the earth, and that it can be accomplished with a 12 minute phone call.

Is 12 minutes of your day really too much to A) gain your freedom without fear of someone stalking you with a kitchen knife and B) put a girl who’s been obsessing about WTF is going on out of her misery? I propose that it’s not.

Let me break this down a little bit for you. Something has happened that causes you to want to break off a relationship with a girl. You’ve been thinking about it for a week or so, trying not to let on. Please do not be fooled. Women know. Or let me restate that: a woman truly interested in you, who does not have her head up her ass, and who is not using you to solve 17 different issues that have nothing to do with you, know. And it was way before you started calling her “homie” instead of “sugar bear.” And it was way before you stopped initiating/responding to text messages, sexy or otherwise. Actually it was the first night you didn’t wish her Sweet Dreams. So. Anyway. We understand that you needed some time to make a decision, but we’re clear that you’re not fooling anybody here.

Now, if losing your nerve is going to be an issue, you could possibly send her a text letting her know you need to talk. And now you’re committed buddy. Cause she’s already broken out whatever alcohol is in the house/called girlfriends to bring backup alcohol/gone out to a bar to drink alcohol without fear of running out. You decide how drunk you want her to be when you deliver the news. I know that right now you’re thinking I’m brilliant because if you let her get really drunk, it’ll make it easier on you, but I offer you this caution, it WILL run through her mind that if she gets drunk enough and doesn’t remember your phone call, you will not officially be broken up. So choose your timing wisely.

Some women think you should tell the absolute truth about the reason for the breakup. I don’t happen to be one of them. If you are one of the two verified NICE guys on the planet (one living in a major Texas city and one in Boston), then by all means, tell the truth. We already think you walk on water, and your sincere, responsible reason for breaking up only makes us admire you more. If you’re not a nice guy, then tell us something that has enough truth for us to get the point without being mean. (Tip: apparently e-Harmony provides a drop down menu of benign breakup phrases such as “the distance is too great.” Feel free to choose one of those.) The point is … be a MAN, a kind, gentle MAN and do the right thing, tell her she's great, and you had some really wonderful times and you're glad you had them. Let her know that she wasn't wrong to think you are a great guy. She will shed a tear, or two, or 40 million, but you have both walked away with your dignity and warm feelings intact. And who knows what is waiting for you further down the broken road?

Disclaimer: There will be a handful of crazy women who may not be as gracious with accepting the breakup as I have described. That’s your problem. Not mine. Quit dating freaks.