The Rubrik (Blush)

It had started out as a crappy evening for Blush. She had every intention of staying home and avoiding A Slice of Heaven that night, but the other two would not hear of it. Never one to leave the group hanging, she put on a T-shirt and shorts intending to convey a “fuck off” attitude and made the drive out.

The ultimate big sister, Kranberry took her in hand as soon as she arrived at the house … placed a drink in her hand, glammed up her make-up and gave her a few hits with the much coveted Chi straightener.

They lucked out with seats at the bar right away. It wasn’t the prime real estate – Boardwalk, as the lucky chair right next to the walk up orders was coined – but off to the side by the door. Prime locale for undercover mocking.

Kranberry decided to kick up the mocking a notch and began devising a rubric on a napkin. The Heaven’s Karaoke Rubrik soon sent the posse into fits of laughter induced by the combination of the mockortunities which abounded that night and their own self-proclaimed hilarity. Plus 10 points for working the crowd topped the left column. Minus 20 points for being too drunk to read the lyrics off the screen was on the right. Plus 50 for being a good singer. Minus 10 for an inappropriate song choice (like the good ole boys who insisted they weren’t too drunk to rap). Plus 10 for appropriating the feather boa from the prop wall if you were a female. Plus 50 if you were a male…..

Kranberry’s friend from the night before showed up somewhere in the middle of formulating the list, and his buddy (later independently dubbed Boy Wonder by three posse members-weird) was immediately all over the rubric. First of all, BW knew what a rubric was. They would later find out that he was also not a novice to the concept of the Mockolympics. And second of all, Kranberry pointed out to everyone (since she was the rubric scribe) that BW was not randomly calling out criteria with mismatched values as the rest of the group was. He had committed the rubric to memory in minutes … and there is a chance that he had already had more than one drink at this point, which made it even more impressive.

Kranberry struggled to transcribe the criteria shouted out to her by the group as they debated the merits of each entry and whether the categories should be combined or expanded. Was taking off points for “sorta sucking” as a singer covered by the whopping minus 150 points for overall bad performance? No, the overall bad performance included displays such as the highly inebriated guy lifting his shirt while singing to reveal a pasty beer gut and – ewwww – nipple rings! As a matter of fact, that called for a whole new entry of minus 20 points for inappropriate stripping!

(Bonus points to anyone who can figure out how to get my table format back in this thing!)

A Slice of Heaven
Karaoke Rubrik
Copyright 2008


+
-
+ 10 Working the crowd
-20 Standing off stage
+50 Good singer
-50 Sorta sucks
+10 Stripping
-20 Inappropriate stripping
+10 Good air guitar backup
-10 Skanky backup air guitar
+10 Dancing Queen flaunting homosexuality
-20 Can’t read lyrics off monitor
+10 Appropriate song choice
-10 Inappropriate song choice
+20 Enthusiasm
-20 No rhythm
+150 Overall performance
-150 Overall Performance


Page 2

+10 Use of boa – female
-10 pur (or pus….)
+50 Use of boa – guy
-10 lines
+20 Brings own utensils
-20 Bad gum (gun?)
+10 Singing in another language
-10 Wearing sunglasses
+50 Awesome imitation of real star
-50 Mullet of any kind
+20 Good hootchie
-20 Bad hootchie
+20 PDA on stage
-1 million PDA on stage
+10 Good smile
-200 fusoingd
+10 Applause from audience



Page 3

+20 Humanitarianism
-20 Grape smuggler
+20 Nectarine - no fur
-30 Peach - fur
+60 6L
-4000 Belt accoutrement
+Spooo Bartender flash



Page 4

In
TM Sage
No undies
Pop Rocks

Out
Water