Dating on the internets

We take a break from our regularly planned blog entry on A Slice of Heaven’s cast of characters to bring you thoughts on internet dating from the posse.

(Blush)
The entire posse has issues with privacy in a small town, and thus local internet dating is not even in the realm of possibilities. First of all, everyone knows everyone in town and before some newly eligible bachelor would even have time to post the requisite photo of himself dressed in cammo with dead fish or animals (and this is attractive as a first impression how?), everyone would already know everything about him including his wine of choice and his desirability to have more children. Second, as if any of us are going to post our “turn ons” and “turn offs” on line for our colleagues to snicker over at the next meeting. Amber, however, went anonymous on one of the popular sites:

(Amber)
I'm not planning on contacting or answering any of these matches – just curious about what the sites can do. I don't think I'm interested in dating at all. I'm pretty sure though that I'm not going to accidentally meet Mr. Rico Suave Armani (RSA) in my line of work or shopping at HEB. I suppose it's slightly plausible that his limo could have a flat tire in front of A Slice of Heaven on his way from the meeting where he has just bought the entire town, but then surely the driver (not RSA) would come in to use the phone ... and you and Kranberry would jump on top of him and molest him on the biceps. And then...and then RSA would wonder what was taking his driver so long in the bar of Ill Repute and he would walk in. His steely gaze would be instantly drawn to the golden-haired vixenness trying unsuccessfully to protect Matthew McConobabe's modesty while he played Nakee Bongos and sang Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, while George Clooney was having moderate success diverting her attention with come hither and rip off my clothes looks. Ok, why do I need RSA in this story?

(Kranberry)
And speaking of internet dating site photos… Do three-quarters of the men posting not have a friend or mother who can give them a second opinion on the photo? Maybe not. There’s a red flag for you right there. Or scarier still if that is truly the photo that they think best represents themselves.

Let’s face it, most of these men look homeless. Blush said she can’t even fathom that they have internet access, but I know they are using internet cafes in Africa. As a public service, we offer these tips:

· No dead animals in the photo: fish, deer, hogs or otherwise. This signals two things to us… the reality of hairy meat in our freezers and the knowledge that you might possibly have an interest in something other than us. Of course you do, but let’s all keep our little fantasies intact until we at least start E-MAILING for heaven’s sake! Some woman find killing sexy and attractive - not!!! Only if you are Jean Claude Van damme or the rock, then bring it on!

· Be fully clothed. Now, I understand that you can pay extra on some sites to access the naked photos if you so choose. Please, let that be a choice that I can make. Twigs and berries before lunch are a little hard to swallow without coffee!!!!

· Be alone in the photo. If you’re with another guy, how do I know which one is you? I don’t want to work that hard. If you’re with a girl, why are you posting on an internet dating site?

· All matter of expensive male toys are appreciated after you send a verified W-2. Prior to that it is just showing off!!!!

· Honesty is a great quality, however never should it be mentioned that you
1. Live with your mother
2. Only graduated from the 2nd grade
3. Make less than 10,000/year
4.smoke pot regularly/daily or hourly

And finally, a couple of tips for the ladies as well. Keep in mind…

· If the times that he posts indicate that the man is not in the same time zone as the U.S. be wary. He is probably not.

· Just because he went through the rigors of a fluff personality test doesn’t mean he is your soul mate or has a soul.