But the Posse knows that it’s all about adjusting our own expectations and attitudes. We know that sometimes it’s ok just to enjoy the moment… to cast out your line and see if your
bait gets a little nibble … see if your bobber starts to twitch just a little. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending an hour or so with someone who declares you “The Coolest Girl I Have Ever Met!” even if you know he will never dial those digits he begged for. Better than staying home curled up with a half gallon of Ben & Jerry’s crying over Grey’s Anatomy reruns every weekend. Nope, we climb back into the boat with our girlfriends laughing and mocking and totally entertaining ourselves each weekend.Below are openings guaranteed to lure in that big shiny redfish … the roofer with the big shoulders, the adorable guy here on vacation, or anyone in the vicinity that looks like he might be able to string together three sentences that could be mildly entertaining.
1. This is a tag team effort. When a big shouldered brute approaches, Kranberry asks, “Sweetie, how much can you bench press?” Brute: “Blah blah blah, fireman testing, blah blah blah, best weight ever, blah blah blah.” Blush: (poking him on the arm) Honey, the correct answer is “You, baby!” Best response was from ‘Uncle Andy’ who replied, “Baby, not only could I bench press you, I could curl you all night!” Whooo-hoooo! Other good answers, “Whatever you need baby!”, “You’re not even that heavy!”
Danger Note: a man who actually knows how much he bench presses is either a fitness instructor, steroid taker or professional body builder. Any knowledge of an actual number is indication of self involvedness!
2. Often we take turns being on “quarter duty”, which means you are trying to hook your girlfriend up with the man she’s got her eye on. So the friend takes a quarter, shows it to the target (victim) and uses a variety of lines beginning, “My friends paid me a quarter to…
- find out how tall you are.
- ask if you work on an oil rig.
- grab your ass, but I said I’d do it for free. (Ok, this one is self-serving if you just want to skip the middle man. It has had 100% success.)
- find out your shoe size.
- ask you to sing White Wedding, and if you're good, they’ll all throw their panties at you.
- ask you to show us your nipple rings/take your shirt off/show your boxers.
- find out if you carry your own Purell.
- find out if that beer gut is real (Amber’s cracking herself up)
- ask if someone is paying you to dance like that.
3. Baby, why are you wearin’ that gay cap? (hand painted and bedazzled)
4. Did you come to Las Vegas to be uptight or what?
5. Are you the designated driver tonight or what?
6. Are you here for a fitness convention? (Best reply: No, a steroids convention)
7. Are you a roofer?
8. If I was as smart as you ladies, I wouldn’t be a professional mover. (Kranberry’s response: Baby, that’s why God gave you those big shoulders!)
9. Sorry, we’re not accepting any more friends named Matt. Move it along! (We love to see men beg)
10. Can you conjugate a verb?
11. You had me at rubric.
12. I love a man who’s prepared! (to man sporting his own koozie)
13. I love a man who comes with instructions! (to guy in t-shirt that says "Take me home tonight")14. No, thanks. I'm just here to mock. (again, the loving to see men beg scenario)
15. I have a boyfriend, but my friend (insert name of friend next to you) will probably go home with you. Might cost you a quarter though.16. My friend Blush kisses all the karaoke singers. For free!
17. I'm not looking at you. I'm looking at your friend.18. I'll give you a quarter if you introduce me to your cousin.
19. My friends gave me a quarter to tell you to fuck off, but I told them I would do it for free.20. You know, in some states you can get arrested for what you're doing to my knee.
21. Can you swim? (Said to Coast Guard Guys. Guaranteed to raise their blood pressure in 2 seconds flat.)
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