Post-Weekend Wrap Up

The Slice of Heaven rarely disappoints for an evening of unlimited mocking, and Friday night was no exception.

Among the most memorable:

The Ham Lady

She wore a dress that was mostly backless, except for these criss-cross laces making her look like …. a ham. She was also wearing these obviously new “come f*&$ me” shoes. And she was on a date. Like a first date. One thing to find out that your friend/crush/etc. shares your affinity for colorful locales (Amber: shithole bars) and suggest it as a lark 6 or 7 dates in, another thing to take someone there for a first date. On the other hand, maybe it’s better to find out up front their ability to mock. So Amber and I made up this whole conversation that we thought must be running through the Ham Lady’s head about what kind of nasty place he’s taking her to, and if he thinks the enchilada dinner makes up for this, he is sadly mistaken, and there she had went and bought brand new $14.95 shoes and had her 23-year-old daughter strap her into the ham dress and everything.

WELL! We were delighted to see that after a couple of beers the Ham Lady was totally into the Slice of Heaven. She was dancin’ in her chair (One karaoke singer was serious about working the crowd and said if people didn’t want to get out on the dance floor, they could just dance in their chairs. I appreciated his permission to do so.), and she was singin’ along and clappin’ and who-hoooin’. Amber looked at her and declared, “Another Slice of Heaven success story.”

Sammy Hagar and Sandra Dee

There is a little game The Posse likes to play called “Guess the Song.” Let me tell you, we failed MISERABLY on Friday night, and it is always so delightful when we are surprised. First up was a Sammy Hagar look-alike with wild blonde curly hair, a Hawaiian shirt and white shorts (he’s not at all concerned about the Labor Day rule). His duet partner was a sweet shy woman with a blonde ponytail and innocent white blouse. We were rubbing our hands together with anticipation….We could see some totally raunchy rock song coming up that was guaranteed to make Ms. Innocent blush. We were totally floored when they sang Johnny Cash and June Carter’s “Jackson.” And there’s Sammy Hagar acting like he’s stomping his foot western-style, but really he looks like some kind of mentally challenged heron raising his leg up and down and pointing his flip flop totally out of sync with the beat.

ZZ Top

The next little surprise was ZZ-Top-looking dude singing “Purple Rain.” But, like, a super-old ZZ Top with a meth problem. And Amber reminds me that at one point I was going to pull a humanitarianism and go back him up, but I was terrified that things would crawl out of his waist-length beard and into my invisa-bra (which is another story for another day). Ewwwwwwww. People got out their lighters to hold aloft, more for sympathy than for adoration. But ZZ Top did make the most of his time while waiting between songs and advised us all: “Don’t waste yer life!” I’m not sure if he has any openings to become my life coach or not.

Math Club President

Then there was the Math Club President and her Soccer Mom Side Kick. MCP, a very young woman, was wearing a plain blue sweatshirt and navy walking shorts. She had her kinky hair pulled back in a sensible pony tail and had on big tortoise shell glasses. Her SMSK had on a very short denim skirt and a just to throw us off, a conservative polo-type shirt. The shirt… so incongruent with the way she kept squatting in the denim skirt as she sang, and I was concerned about the suitability (Amber: What?? There’s a dress code now??) of her underpants that were in danger of being on display in ‘Heaven. What would her mother say?! (Amber: We KNOW what Blush’s mom would say! Hee!) We were so busy drinking in the juxtaposition of MCP not only being IN ‘Heaven, but actually singing, that we didn’t even have time to Guess the Song. We would have totally blown it anyway, because they belted out “Welcome to the Jungle” like they had been singin’ it in their basement since 1987. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean that they were ever on beat. Even more unfortunately, MCP left before her match made in heaven (hur hur) Audio Visual/Physics Club President sauntered in, resplendent in his khaki shorts, short-sleeved button down TUCKED in which is pretty much a hanging offense at the Slice, and black plastic rimmed glasses straight from a movie starring1960 NASA nerds.

Bride and Groom

OH! And let's not forget the wedding party! A stout middle aged couple who had finally realized that it was cheaper to maintain one trailer than two. The whole wedding party was from Michigan and all were clad in tourist T-shirts excpet the bride who's "going away outfit" consisted of capri pants and an ethnic-print blouse with some wooden wind chimes hanging from the neckline. And she still had the Diamonique hair accessory perched right above her very round bangs and right below the 1963 bouffant. So the couple was sitting around, minding their own business, when the Karaoke King calls them up to the stage to sing the Island Mating Call. They have no idea what's coming, but are being good sports and waddle up to the stage. The groom is not lettin go of his 47th beer of the night by any means and brings it right on up. As soon as the bride sees the lyrics begin to roll, she gasps in horror and shakes her finger at the wedding party who has surreptitiously signed them up to sing "Let's get Drunk and F*&%." The groom doesn't even blink, but bellows out the song in between swigs of beer. Unfortunately, he doesn't gaze into his bride's eyes as he serenades her because he has to concentrate so hard on the words rolling past to take notice of her.

Plane tickets to wedding destination: $750. Honeymoon suite: $200. Three rounds of drinks for the wedding party: $180. Wedding reception at the Slice of Heaven: Priceless.